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my slumbering heart

That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,

to behold the fair beauty of the Lord and to seek Him in His temple.   -Psalm 27

To love the Lord with all my heart and all my mind and all my soul- at this I am an utter failure.

Fail.

I've had the Lord of the Universe in my corner since before I was born and I live my life like my heart's asleep underwater.

Here is the greatest love story the world has ever known- and I'm sleepwalking.

but then there there are these glimpses I get when my heart is lifted just above a groggy haze
and I feel what Luke meant when he wrote that Mary treasured all these words and pondered them in her heart

and in small moments I feel like singing
and it just feels good to be waking up...

what is your relationship with God like?

Someone asked me to answer this question recenly. It's hard to write down the truth when there's a war going on in my heart.

God is always faithful and always forgiving. I love the Lord. I go through spurts of really living out this love and being aware of His presence. Sporadically, I’m able to pray without even trying and my heart is on fire. Other times I feel detached and distance from God and it’s really hard to pray- and I tend to feel numb and just look for distractions to make me feel better. But what feels like my most basic instinct or need is to worship Him.

That’s when I feel most alive.

The thing I care about most in life is living for God and living out His will for my life. I often struggle with understanding what that could look like.

ugh

found out the other day that the Pedro the Lion guy (David Bazan) doesn't believe in God anymore....sigh

count it a blessing that you're such a failure

count it a blessing that your're such a failure
your second chance might
never have come

-Pedro the Lion

In the past, these lyrics have been mostly seemed cryptic and confusing to me. Now I find them taking on new meaning as I deal with the deeply disappointing truth that I'm spiritually homeless.

Actually, I've been without a real spiritual home my whole life. This sad fact is undeniably in the forefront of my mind as I mourn the loss of our church in Amherst. I know, I know... it never was a great fit for us, but this still hurts. Actually, the more I think about being there, the more I realize how damaging it has been and how I've grown in faith in spite of, or sometimes because of that. The subtle and not so subtle ways that this place is dangerous has given me a lot to consider as think about where I want to be.



But here is the thing. Here is where this song just hits me...The things that I want most in life (comfort, sense of belonging, constant reassurance) could be the very things that tear my attention away from the Lord.

The afternoon after my post ST. Mary's meltdown, I felt a growing sense of hopelessness surrounding church. Tears streaking down my face, I listening to one of Tim Keller's sermons in the passenger's seat of the car. Anyway- he reminded me that Oscar Wilde (one of my favorites!) once wrote, "When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers." What Keller pointed out about this truth resonated with me. If we actually get whatever it is we want most in life, it can be spiritually the worst thing in the world for us. because what should be at the center- what we should want most in life is Jesus-


Thank God I'm such a failure so that I might not learn to worship my accomplishments or abilities. Thank God for my homelessness so that I might not worship comfort or my own sense of fitting in. In this desperation I can be thankful because I cannot rest in my doings, comfort, or popularity.

Praise the Lord that I don't get my own desires! This leaves me more free to only rely on Him- to worship Him. Desperation has pushed me towards Him....I'm just not sure how long I can keep it up. He is much more faithful than I....

run to the LORD

So I've been running lately. It all started after my soccer team lost our last game to a whiny, annoying team. We were knocked out of the play-offs because they out ran us on the field. I went home that afternoon and ran my first 1.8 mile loop with resolve. It's now three months later. At best, my training has been off and on since then- but I've had running on my mind ever since. (To the right are some pictures of what my typical route looks like. beautiful.)

It was then that I somehow got it in my head that I was going to run the Hardwick Fair Road Race, too. There were a few key people that got me turned onto the idea of running. My neighbor, my sister-in-law, and one of my teammates each popped up on my radar as a running encourager. Anyway, I have loved the process of training for the fair race all summer. It gives me a real sense of accomplishment when I run a little farther than I did yesterday and when I can feel my muscles get a little more tight and toned. I love finding a rhythm for my breaths to hit as I make my way down the street. It was really hard to be motivated at first, but the race was drawing ever closer, and I had to push it or be embarrassed at not finishing or chickening out.

I had sort of an epiphany as I struggled up Ruggles Hill Road on mile 3 of the race route. I realized that getting up that hill was so much more about my determination to finish than it was about how in shape my legs were. My mind was going to decide that I couldn't go any further long before my legs would physically give out. It was then that it hit me. It was my willingness to say yes that pushed me up a hill and across a 5.7 miles that I'd never done before. It really took every fiber in my being not to slow down or walk. Exerting this amount of effort and drive is something I think I rarely do. What if I did it all the time? What kind of a person would I be? What could I be capable of doing? My imagination opened up.

I thought about how often in my life I tell myself, "I can't" and then thought about all the possibilities if I would dig deep and say "YES!" to the Lord with the same intensity that I said "yes. I will run this race."

This has made me think back to those questions of free will, grace, and salvation. Yes. Jesus has done all of the saving work for me and the whole world. He came to earth, fully divine and fully human, and died on the cross and atoned for the sins of the whole fallen world. He was resurrected in victory over sin and death. It's His passion that redeems the world to Himself. The work of salvation has already been done- so it's not like there is anything I can do to contribute to my own salvation...but this doesn't mean that I'm powerless or that my actions are inconsequential. Or that God doesn't want me to act- BOLDLY. What could my relationship with Him be like if I ran towards His will for me the way I ran up that hill?

God wants me to say YES to Him with the same (if not more!) intensity and passion and sacrifice and determination that I said to running that race. He wants me to say yes to His saving grace every moment of every second of my life. He want me to say Yes to the Truth. He wants me to say yes to sacrificial love with my heart, with my body, with my actions, with my thoughts, with my praise and with my worship.

What more wonderful task could there be than to say Yes! to the infinitely good and holy Lord of the Universe.

Praise Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
Amen. Hallelujah

Hardwick Fair Eve

By the time we were done registering for the fair, it was already pretty dark out. So, I grabbed my camera and got some OK shots of how peaceful & beautiful things looked the night before the crowds arrived. I can't believe this is my front yard! I liked being alone out there slinking around for a decent shot and saying "hi" to late night fair volunteers and neighbors....

Adventures in Girl Scouting

On Thursday afternoon, I was coming home from Northampton (where I really loved getting to spend time with Jess!) Anyway, I was driving home- and here is what I love about living where I do- I just pulled my car into the driveway and there were about 10 girls and their parents waving to me on the front porch to come help stuff scarecrows. I got to help make scarecrows with the Girl Scouts to enter in the fair. Most of the girls were around 9 years old and it was so much fun hanging out with them and their parents. I love stuff like that, I love being around people like that, and I LOVE that it's in my front yard when I come home. (added bonus: Ross had already tapped the People's Pint keg in the backyard!) What a great place this is.

All the kids were pretty excited about what they were working on and even more excited that I might help them with it. After helping Anni put together a beauty queen scare crow I decided to take a stab at making my own. I was forced to laugh when I realized I had to give up my creative control and let the excited kids take over. We made a robot (They drew all sorts of buttons and dials on the thing.) and it pretty much rocked the graveyard...that's right the kids all took their scare crows over to the graveyard to set them up and register them for judging in the fair the next day.

It was so hot and muggy out when I was making those creations with the girls, but it didn't matter. We were so into it (and I had my Pied Piper IPA) that it didn't stop us. I just loved spending time with them and loved being sweaty without caring or really noticing b/c I was having too much fun chatting and playing with them. I think it's that I just love to play. It might be my favorite thing- adults aren't as good at playing (although they like to think they are.)
I love the way whimsy takes over and there is a sense of excitement and adventure in the smallest project.

Kids rock...

The Killing Moon

After writing an email to my sister recently- I was left with this warm and tingly feeling as I saved what I had written in the archives of my gmail account. I like how it left me with a more concrete and satisfying sense of my own reflections, feelings, and ideas. Even now, I get the sense that I can more clearly develop thoughts and insights that are swimming around in my head....

So here it is. A new attempt at blogging. I'm going to take a stab at putting my thoughts out on the page with photos instead of just sporadically posting random pictures. I haven't posted here in forever so I feel relatively safe about how "public" this space really is at this point, but just in case you are out there reading this- I haven't really written in a while & am really rusty. bear with me...

It's raining heavily here and there are no lights on in the house. It's light gray and gold outside and this apartment is dimly lit from the outside and feels like home. (our last apartment never ever felt like home) We got a new futon, bookshelves,and a kitchen table- all inherited from Addie when she moved out of the happy valley. Anyway, we've done a better job with furniture and decorating and keeping clean. This place was filled with great people over the weekend so things feel extra good this evening. I spent the day at church, where there were "creepy crawlies" in the communion wine, cleaning the house, going for a run and watching "Legend of the Seeker" with Ian.

Right now I'm home alone- which I LOVE. The lighting is just right & it's so quiet- all i can hear is rain and the occasional car. I love the sound of heavy rain, there is something comforting and magical about it.

I posted some pictures I just took from the front porch in the rain (even though it doesn't really look like it's even raining in them- it was pouring.) It felt good sitting out there with my camera- taking it all in. Hardwick really is beautiful.

I guess this will be a short first post, but at least it's something...

Listening to Echo and the Bunnymen right now, which adds a spookiness to the ambiance of this space right now. Beautiful.

I think I'm going to go read my book and listen to the rain in my dark house.

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amazing.

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