count it a blessing that you're such a failure

count it a blessing that your're such a failure
your second chance might
never have come

-Pedro the Lion

In the past, these lyrics have been mostly seemed cryptic and confusing to me. Now I find them taking on new meaning as I deal with the deeply disappointing truth that I'm spiritually homeless.

Actually, I've been without a real spiritual home my whole life. This sad fact is undeniably in the forefront of my mind as I mourn the loss of our church in Amherst. I know, I know... it never was a great fit for us, but this still hurts. Actually, the more I think about being there, the more I realize how damaging it has been and how I've grown in faith in spite of, or sometimes because of that. The subtle and not so subtle ways that this place is dangerous has given me a lot to consider as think about where I want to be.



But here is the thing. Here is where this song just hits me...The things that I want most in life (comfort, sense of belonging, constant reassurance) could be the very things that tear my attention away from the Lord.

The afternoon after my post ST. Mary's meltdown, I felt a growing sense of hopelessness surrounding church. Tears streaking down my face, I listening to one of Tim Keller's sermons in the passenger's seat of the car. Anyway- he reminded me that Oscar Wilde (one of my favorites!) once wrote, "When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers." What Keller pointed out about this truth resonated with me. If we actually get whatever it is we want most in life, it can be spiritually the worst thing in the world for us. because what should be at the center- what we should want most in life is Jesus-


Thank God I'm such a failure so that I might not learn to worship my accomplishments or abilities. Thank God for my homelessness so that I might not worship comfort or my own sense of fitting in. In this desperation I can be thankful because I cannot rest in my doings, comfort, or popularity.

Praise the Lord that I don't get my own desires! This leaves me more free to only rely on Him- to worship Him. Desperation has pushed me towards Him....I'm just not sure how long I can keep it up. He is much more faithful than I....